I love that I get to stay home with my baby and that I’m able to be more involved with mini’s school life. Like LOVE. I love that I don’t have to pay someone else to raise my little people that I’ve brought into the world. I love that I get to make my girls their dinner every night and do fun activities. I love that I don’t get to just watch them grow up but I get to raise them. I love that I’m following my heart and I’m able to start my business. I love that I’m following my dreams and that people really seem to be responding.

But it’s hard and I feel lonely a lot of the times. I feel selfish even saying that because I know there’s a lot of women that wish they could be home with their babies and I am but there’s more to life than motherhood. When we moved out to where we are, I thought it would be great because we would be closer to my in-laws and we would see them often. I didn’t think that there would be such a strong aversion to driving to my house. And I thought that things would be “the same”. But they aren’t.

Motherhood is amazing and being able to work at home is great too. But it gets lonely.

One of my favorite parts of working from home is that I don’t HAVE to interact with people I don’t want to. Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually pretty shy and somewhat socially awkward. I love that my daily interactions are with words on a screen and my sweet babies–sweet on most days. But when my friend asked me if I was free on Friday night for a photoshoot, it occurred to me that I’m ALWAYS free. Or working. And then my aunt asked me if I was doing a lot of fun things. I wanted to break down and cry. I do NOTHING that’s fun. Outside of mothering, being a wife, keeping house, and working I literally do nothing. As I write this, tears are coming to my eyes.

I wrote a post a while ago about the importance of community and a village. I thought I had one and I don’t and that reality is hard. The crazy thing is that I should have one. I’m married and I live 6 miles from my in-laws. I have friends. I’m apart of groups. But unless I drive 40 minutes, I don’t see anyone. That sucks. Like in a major way. Last week I had a break down as abc was crying and ornery bc she’s teething and growing and stuff. I had no one that I could call for help, a drink, stress-relief. My birthday is coming up and all I really want is to feel good about myself and to get my hair colored. Trying to find someone I trust to take care of abc is like pulling teeth.

It’s funny, I get told so often that I handle all the different aspects of my life so well. That I made it seem like having another baby was easy. That I transitioned so well into being a wife and mom of 2. Here’s the thing: I didn’t have a choice. Is it hard? Yes. It’s harder because it’s basically just the hubs and I. I need a village…a community… But now I’m at a loss of how to create one. Like how do you make it so there’s a group of giving people so that you aren’t spent?

Sorry for the long, emo post that’s not the most positive or constructive but, well, it’s what I have in this moment.