And that’s scary.

In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t seen the news, more executions of black people have been highlighted. The most recent big death has been that of Sandra “Sandy” Bland. She was pulled over for some minor traffic stop and ended up dead in her cell 3 days later in what police are trying to call a suicide. Outside of the fact that there are more holes in her story than black people dead at the hands of cops, no one believes that this woman who had just gotten a new job and had a passion for living had committed suicide.

I’m again left saying that this isn’t right.

I’m again left feeling sad and in despair.

As a woman I’m scared shitless. This could have been me. I don’t smoke so the officer never would have asked me to put out a cigarette but that’s a minor detail in the grand scheme of things. It could have been me. When they look at me, they see a black woman that is not worthy of the same respect as my white friends. They don’t see that I’m a mother to my beautiful girls. They don’t see that I’m a wife to my wonderful husband. They don’t see that I’m a friend, a daughter, a confidante. They don’t see me as an equal and they didn’t see Sandra Bland as one either and now she’s dead.

What if I’m pulled over as I’m driving my girls and I get a cop that is a bigot who decides to use his power for the bad? How do I tell my daughters with confidence that if something is happening to them to call the cops when it’s the cops that are the ones that are endangering our lives? How is it that I feel more safe in an unsafe neighborhood than in the house of those that are supposed to be protecting and serving us not abusing their power?

I’m legitimately scared. As in I practice my lines just in case I get pulled over. As in I pray for the protection of my loved ones every morning and night. As in I don’t do anything to cause me to get pulled over. As in I’ve just about lost all faith in our judicial system since they seem to be condoning all that’s happening.

I’m trying to figure out why we’re so concerned with terrorism overseas and not the terrorism that’s in our face and on our soil. How is it that we’re out here regulating arms in Iran but can’t regulate our own arms? Cops are the new terrorists and based upon the news, all civilians are their targets with black people being at the top of the hit list and this is scary.

As I watch my girls sleep I wonder how anyone can see them for anything other than the sweet souls that they are. How do I protect them? How do I keep them safe from the dangers that are supposed to be protecting them? How do I teach them their rights based upon the judicial system that doesn’t enforce them? I’m scared for myself and my family and I hate this feeling. Every day I can identify more and more with my executed brothers and sisters and I just pray that the day never comes where my name pops up on the screen.