Let’s talk about you and me… Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk abooooooout it. Let’s talk about sex!

Now, all my 90s hip hop lovers will remember this song by the good ole Salt N’ Peppa (and Spinderalla–she always got so much shade!!!). Growing up, this was one of my favorite songs. Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t having sex then but I think I just liked how they wanted to talk about it and no longer making it taboo. But you know, it still is. Or rather, sex and the married woman is what’s taboo. When I was single, there were more articles talking about sex and the single woman that I felt more prepared for what that lifestyle entailed. But now? As a married woman with 2 children I’m over here searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack!

So let’s talk about it.

Let's Talk About

You Got Married–Now What?

Prior to marriage, I’m not going to lie, our sex life was FIYAH!!! Now that’s not to say that it isn’t now. But prior to marriage things were a little different–we didn’t have to worry about a little one sleeping through the night, there was no little one waking us up at whatever hour they felt, well, hell, there was no little one! Everyone isn’t like us though, sometimes they wait a little bit longer to end up with child than we did but that’s besides the point. You’re married now and so often men joke about how now things in the bedroom change. Unfortunately and sadly I’ve heard that they’re right. Here’s the thing, sex SHOULD change after marriage! But it should be changing for the better. You’ve committed your life to this person and that’s THE most intimate thing that you could do. This means that the heat in the bedroom needs to turn up on a new level as well.


So here’s the thing, I’ve been reading these Cosmo tips on “how to please your man” and “10 things to blow his mind” and blah blah blah but why waste that on someone who you aren’t sharing your forever with? I’m a huge supporter of sex in marriage and the reason why is because this is the person that I’m loving with all of me–including her. After marriage, you should be blowing each other’s socks off.

Oh Mama! Now there’s a baby!

Babies happen. They do. And they change everything. And by everything I do mean every.single.thing. Quick and useful tips on how NOT to let the baby tear your girl up:

  1. Kegels
  2. Squats (Kegels are useless without these)
  3. The Elevator (I’ll go into more detail down below *giggle*)

While you’re pregnant and after baby comes, keep doing these things. Your lady part is a muscle and needs to be toned post baby. Doing these 3 things will get/keep things right and tight as well as help out with any bladder issues that happen as a result of creating the most beautiful little person that you’ve set your eyes on. Do these often.

Sadly, I often here that once my sistren have had their little bundles, sex is out the window. NO NO NO NO NO. I have more NO’s but I didn’t want there to be overkill. Ladies, we cannot stop having sex with our spouses after having baby! Yes, I know that we are sooooo enamored with this little person (to be read as exhausted) but we are more than just mothers! We are women! We have needs (whether you want to acknowledge them or not)!! And honestly speaking, so do our spouses. Many times one person in the marriage has the love language of physical affection. It might be you or it might be them either way, someone’s love language is NOT being spoken. This is going to lead to discourse in the marriage which no one wants.

How Do You “Keep In Touch”?

I totally chuckled at that lol. But that’s the thing–you have to keep touching. I don’t mean this in the sexual way but I do mean that constant physical touch is really important. It tends to lead to sex and this is a good thing. After we had abc and my 6 weeks were up, I didn’t get my groove back right away. In fact, although I was cleared for the nookie, between feeling like a cow and bouts of exhaustion, sex was the last thing on my mind……until I had it. Connecting with my man, my love, my husband reminded me that I was more than just the mom sitting in an enclosed space feeling like I was about to start moo-ing at any point in time as I was being double pumped. It was hard for us in the beginning because abc co-slept with us. But you know what, as much as I looooooooove my baby, I love my husband more and I value our intimacy.

Sex isn’t as important to others as it is to me. I would be remiss if I were to make pretend to subscribe to the notion that “sex isn’t everything/sex doesn’t really matter”. It does. And it matters a lot to me and I think it’s ok to admit that. It’s natural for women to want to feel desired and wanted and lusted for. Why not have that feeling with your husband/spouse? Why not have fun with this person that has committed to loving you through the good and the bad? I say go for it.

Quick Tips In Getting It In

Again, I chuckled here, ha!

  • Leave the bed – Have sex in the bathroom, closet, floor, couch (let me know so I know where not to sit ha!), anywhere but leave the bed and see how much fun that is
  • Wear lingerie – If you’re anything like me, you see every imperfection glaring at you when you put it on. But that’s not what they see. They love us for who we are and what we look like NOW. Flaunt it.
  • Dance for them – Yes, dance. Sway your hips, show your curves, be sexy. I’m not the best dancer in the world but when it comes to my hubs, I am his private dancer *body roll*.
  • Red Lipstick – Red is such a sexy and powerful color. It’s bold and flirty and that’s what you want to be. Get dolled up–for them.
  • Elevator Move – This will drive them CRAZY as well as tone your lady bits! It’s very similar to that of a kegel but instead of just tightening and releasing, you want to slowly tighten up and then slowly release it down. It should take you about 3 seconds up and back down. Doing this on him is mind-blowing but also adds an element of added sensation for you!
  • Have Fun – Yes, laugh, smile, be flirty. Have a good time. It doesn’t have to last 3 hours (I mean, who can do that anyway right?). But really commit to being fully present with your mate and giving them yourself.
  • Do it often – You had to know this was coming. Sex is good for us. Take care of yourself! And sex is good for them! In order to prevent prostate cancer, a man should be ejaculating at least 21 times very 30 days soooooo let’s help keep them healthy ha!
  • Don’t hold out on oral – I hate hearing that women wait until special occasions for sex or oral sex. Why? Prior to marriage you didn’t! There is NOTHING sexier than having control over a man’s pleasure. Enjoy it. Add some food elements. Have fun with it. But don’t hold out!

I’m not going to say anything like “but the Bible says…” regarding sex with our mates. Here’s the thing, sex is fun and it’s more fun when you’re doing it with someone who matters so have at it!

How important is sex in your relationship? What tips do you have to keep the physical intimacy alive?