I’m at this weird crux in life. The pandemic has truly taken me to the edge of my sanity and back to normalcy and everything in between. This time has been really hard and overwhelming and really taken a lot out of me. It’s also forced me to take a hard look at the things I value most in life, business, and the direction I’m taking. But being put out of our house a couple of months ago was the icing on the cake.
Being a mom of 3 but not being sure where we were going to be living because all the rentals in our area were too expensive and all of our offers to buy homes were rejected really messed with my mind and spirit. By the time that we closed, moved in, and unpacked, I just couldn’t make pretend to show up for everyone and everything because I really needed to pause to show up for myself.
So what does that even mean?
I just needed to be. My kids were looking to me for stability and to normalize things. I needed a second to gather myself to show up for client deadlines, developing brands, and more. And this meant that I cut the proverbial fat.
And I clung on to doing the bare minimum. I showed up in spaces like Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook because even though people say that social media only shows the highlight reels, I always show up as my authentic self. So since my friends follow me there, I didn’t think I had to make the announcement to each individual that I was struggling and just needed to fall back so I could get my bearings together.
My bearings are still not really together but we’re getting there and I’m coming back around. As I come back around, I realize that that for some of my friends, this season of me not being there to everything happening with them, starting new projects, etc was new for them and some took offense to it while others have been like, “I’m the same way, please don’t apologize.”
Here’s my truth though…
This past year. These past months. Looking to the future. All of it has been SO hard. I’m a person who thrives on being alone while also sharing energy with other people. But the pandemic has literally scared the shit out of me. We were careful and we still got it. Now people are arguing and insulting each other over the vaccination and I’ve never felt so lost and confused. I love my new house and I feel safe here but I’m also like, “wait… is this it? Is this life? Being locked away at home?” But I also feel irresponsible every time I want to do something with my family outside because their lives are put at risk along with all the people who are out there working. The future is looking bleak because people will scream “I BELIEVE IN SCIENCE” when it comes to vaccines but don’t have this same energy about climate change. So in the next 6-7 years, things will need to be very different if we intend to have a planet to exist on–like these little masks are nothing in comparison to what we will need.
I’m like, do I worry and stress out about the world ending and trying to make the best memories I can until the end or just play it safe and stay locked away? Do I continue to build a business that won’t really be around in the next couple of years because more people are invested in having single-use plastic and other things that destroy our planet or do I have faith in the selfish people inhabiting a place they don’t deserve?
Before I went underground, a friend of mine offered to help me learn how to create sewing patterns and I just ghosted her. She followed back up and wanted me to help them with their social media in a paid position. I still ghosted her. And last night I apologized and attempted to correct myself to her but she wasn’t having it. She told me that I had nothing to apologize for because these things happen. Her grace was enough to lead me to tears because even though I know that struggle is normal, her acceptance of me, my struggles, my ghosting just made me feel so loved and, well, accepted.
Life is overwhelming right now
It’s not just for me. It’s overwhelming for everyone. So many of us are struggling to just do the basic things of survival. Some of use are thriving and that’s really amazing. But many of us aren’t and we need grace.
So yeah… this isn’t a blog post that is going to do anything but help me release some of my thoughts and feelings and possibly help normalize yours. I hope that you know that this is just a phase of life and we will pull through.