I love that I get to stay home with my baby and that I’m able to be more involved with mini’s school life. Like LOVE. I love that I don’t have to pay someone else to raise my little people that I’ve brought into the world. I love that I get to make my girls their dinner every night and do fun activities. I love that I don’t get to just watch them grow up but I get to raise them. I love that I’m following my heart and I’m able to start my business. I love that I’m following my dreams and that people really seem to be responding.
But it’s hard and I feel lonely a lot of the times. I feel selfish even saying that because I know there’s a lot of women that wish they could be home with their babies and I am but there’s more to life than motherhood. When we moved out to where we are, I thought it would be great because we would be closer to my in-laws and we would see them often. I didn’t think that there would be such a strong aversion to driving to my house. And I thought that things would be “the same”. But they aren’t.
One of my favorite parts of working from home is that I don’t HAVE to interact with people I don’t want to. Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually pretty shy and somewhat socially awkward. I love that my daily interactions are with words on a screen and my sweet babies–sweet on most days. But when my friend asked me if I was free on Friday night for a photoshoot, it occurred to me that I’m ALWAYS free. Or working. And then my aunt asked me if I was doing a lot of fun things. I wanted to break down and cry. I do NOTHING that’s fun. Outside of mothering, being a wife, keeping house, and working I literally do nothing. As I write this, tears are coming to my eyes.
I wrote a post a while ago about the importance of community and a village. I thought I had one and I don’t and that reality is hard. The crazy thing is that I should have one. I’m married and I live 6 miles from my in-laws. I have friends. I’m apart of groups. But unless I drive 40 minutes, I don’t see anyone. That sucks. Like in a major way. Last week I had a break down as abc was crying and ornery bc she’s teething and growing and stuff. I had no one that I could call for help, a drink, stress-relief. My birthday is coming up and all I really want is to feel good about myself and to get my hair colored. Trying to find someone I trust to take care of abc is like pulling teeth.
It’s funny, I get told so often that I handle all the different aspects of my life so well. That I made it seem like having another baby was easy. That I transitioned so well into being a wife and mom of 2. Here’s the thing: I didn’t have a choice. Is it hard? Yes. It’s harder because it’s basically just the hubs and I. I need a village…a community… But now I’m at a loss of how to create one. Like how do you make it so there’s a group of giving people so that you aren’t spent?
Sorry for the long, emo post that’s not the most positive or constructive but, well, it’s what I have in this moment.
