i’m sitting here beating myself up because after a long week of talking back, screaming, crying, tantrums, and a smart mouth, i’ve finally lost my temper with mini. i feel guilty about my thoughts and it hit me that tonight i felt like it sucked being a mom. i’m not sure if this is ok because so often i read the FB status updates of “being a mother is the best job in the world” or “my child is so perfect/smart/charming/whatever” that i wonder if it’s just me and a handful other people who are having a smidge of trouble with these little people we’ve been assigned.

i’ve decided that yes, motherhood is awesome but you know what? it sucks a lot of the time too. like when you’ve been battling with your 4.5 year old about bed time for the past week and on friday you finally lose your shit because you just want some adult time with your husband and you finally have the screaming baby asleep but is awakened because you’ve had to yell at the 4.5 year old about not being in their beds after they got tucked in. that sentence was the very definition of grammatically incorrect but i haven’t the energy to go back and re-write it because if you’re reading this, you’re probably a parent and totally understood what i was trying to say. i digress… sometimes parenting is awesome but it normally sucks ass right after a grandparent leaves.

today was a particularly hard day. i’ve returned to working out which normally has my happy endorphin’s flowing but since this is my first week back, i’m a little sleepy with the early mornings. i had a great workout this morning. abc stayed in a nice slumber for me for the workout and a shower. we had a nice day surprising daddy at work with lunch and then kicking it with some of my work friends. i took a moment to pause from the things currently stressing me–where we’re going to send abc when i go back to work, how we’ll afford childcare and rent, if we should move or stay, if we move where do we move to, what’s going on with my STD payments, why haven’t i received my reimbursement for my dependent care, should we continue to switch banks, etc. There’s obviously a lot on my mind. but it was a nice day.

which made it worse when i picked mini up and the meltdowns began. the first one was because she didn’t get to keep charlie the classroom stuffed animal for the weekend. they send the stuffed animal home with the kid and we’re all supposed to do these fun things, take lots of pictures, and look all happy. yay. she was really disappointed about not getting him and really let the waterworks flow once she got in the car. this i understood though i thought it was a little funny. i mean, she was really emotional about it. we talked through that one. then she had a full out tantrum when i told her that we wouldn’t be going to the disney store and buying any of the “dress ups” they have there. whenever she does this i always try to figure out who these tantrums work for. but we talked through this one as well. i felt good. she felt good.

we get home. she’s bouncing off the walls. i settle her down. it’s now time for bed and shit hits the fan!!!! i really wish that she would just understand that life would be better if she would just listen. either way, i flipped my shit. she cried. i feel like a bad mom. and now the night is over.

sometimes being a mom really does suck.